Clarity

Clarity, where art thou?  Really, though.  Where’s my clarity?  Is it ever going to come back?  Hold onto your hat, I’m about to ponder…

Once upon a time, I thought clearly.  My thoughts were clear, concise and complete.  I would walk away from a conversation with a stranger, or an acquaintance, and I would think about the conversation, often times repeating it in my mind.  I could remember the names of new people in my life…sort of.  I could read and comprehend a full news article rather than just looking at the words while thinking about something completely unrelated.  I could send an email and remember to follow-up on it days later without a reminder.  I didn’t depend on a list to remember simple things like birthdays and errands.  I could complete a thought.    

Why don’t feel as competent anymore?  Is it age?  Is it stress?  Is it sleep deprivation?  Is it hormones?  Is it a lack of discipline?  Is it the alignment of the stars?  Is it all in my head?  Is it all of the above?  More importantly, when is my clarity going to return?         

I remember thinking clearly when I was in college and of course all the years leading up to college.  Really, it was before children.  I don’t want parenthood to be the culprit, again.  I think I’m hesitant to point my finger in the parenthood direction because I know plenty of parents who (seemingly) have more on their plate than I do and all their balls are still in the air…they’re always just contentedly juggling their little hearts out without breaking a sweat.  I feel like I’m practically drowning in sweat over here and most of the time my juggling balls are on the ground rolling away from me in every direction!   

Truth is, I admire the circus-quality juggling parents’ ability to have so much family responsibility and still function at a high mental and physical capacity.  Something’s got to give, right?  Are their toilets dirty?  Do they have an ulcer?  Are their marriages struggling?  Let’s throw me a bone here; the grass is always greener on the other side, right?  So, what do the circus-quality juggling parents admire about me?  I know that despite the way I feel I still do a lot.  I’m not discrediting myself.  It’s just that I feel like I used to be able to do more.  I feel like I’m capable of more.  I think that I should be able to care for my kids (to my standards), manage the household, successfully manage friendships and family relationships and still be able to carry a conversation without being lost for words every few minutes and wondering why we don’t have any olive oil in the panty after I just went to the store.

I have an educated guess as to why I feel this way.  You see, I don’t recall feeling this out-of-touch when I was a working Mom.  At work, I had time to think.  As hectic as the working-Mom life was for me (and it was!), it was still calmer (in this sense) than my life is now.  I had time to think.  I had uninterrupted time to think in the car on my way to and from work.  Uninterrupted.  That’s the key word here.  Everything in my life now, with two children, is constantly being interrupted: sleeping, going to the bathroom, writing on the blog, cooking dinner, talking on the phone, reading the news, etc.   It’s brutal.  I guess I just didn’t realize the effect of these constant interruptions until recently.  I don’t get a break during the day, especially since Ava doesn’t nap.  Occasionally, I’ll go to a book club meeting, an evening run or my parents will watch the kids for a day.  I’m eternally grateful for those (alone) moments.  That’s the problem though, they’re moments…just fleeting, and usually spontaneous, moments.  More often than not, those moments are used to play catch-up…on my sanity.  I guess I need more regular time-off.  That’s funny.  That doesn’t exist when you’re a parent.  You give that up when you decide to have children and stay home with them.  Also, it’s been my experience that when you do get enough time off to restore and maintain your sanity, you feel guilty.  I do occasionally have a good day or a good week when everything falls into place and I go to bed each night feeling like I’ve successfully accomplished my priorities.  But, I just wish I had those days and weeks more often. 

Oh well.  It helps to write about it.  Just taking the time to think this in depth about anything helps…even if I feel guilty for sitting at my computer for the past thirty minutes while Lincoln watches Sesame Street.  This is also why the blog is so important to me.  The blog forces me to sit, focus, reflect and think for a few minutes every so often.  Also, I like being able to share my thoughts with whoever is interested.  I don’t like to keep things bottled up.  I think we can and should learn from each other’s challenges and accomplishments. 

In the meantime, I’m learning new tools to help me function with my limited mental capacity and I’m trying to find humor in the situation rather than becoming frustrated by it.  I’m pretty good at keeping the big picture in mind and for me that is time with my children.  After all, they don’t know if Mommy is stressed about getting the laundry put away and they don’t notice the thick layers of dust on the blinds and ceiling fans and they don’t care how many miles I did or didn’t run last night.    

A while ago my Dad told me I should take up meditation.  I think he might be onto something.  Seriously.