On Staying Home

Oddly enough, I’ve received a lot of interest in my recent working mom vs. stay at home mom (SAHM) situation. I haven’t been able to give an adequate answer until recently because I’ve been trying to experience the change. My answer might still be premature but I want to get my thoughts out while they’re fresh. I want to give a good answer for the sake of each side. I’m not trying to validate either side of the debate – I’m simply sharing my story for those who asked. Here it is…

When we moved to VA from MD a couple years ago I stayed home with Ava for four months while looking for a job and a house. During that time I decided that staying home was not for me. In retrospect, I believe that I decided that staying home was not for me long before I ever gave it a chance. Therefore, I did not justly give it a chance. There was a lot of change happening in our world during those four months and I was anxious to get back to what felt “normal” to me, which meant working outside the home.

I think it’s essential to point out that I come from a line of successful workingwomen. This was my “normal.” My Mom has worked for as long as I can remember. Not only did she work as a full-time teacher during my impressionable youth, but she was also the co-owner of a coffee shop, manager (for lack of a better description) of an out-of-state apartment block and mother of three. My maternal grandmother and mother of four daughters began her own business at her dining room table during a time when women couldn’t even purchase a house without a male co-signor. She spoke a few languages and only wore skirt-suits, panty hose and heels…even to the beach. Her business is still thriving today. Thus, I definitely thought that my daughter was better off in a daycare facility with people who specialize in her world. I thought I was doing her a favor by giving her a mother with strong work ethic and determination. I also thought that I was a better wife and mother if I was financially contributing to my household and our future. In fact, at that point in my life, I was a better working mom than a SAHM. I don’t think I was mature enough to stay home.

With that said, it didn’t take long for me to find my identity in the workplace again. We found a suitable daycare for Ava. Everything was peachy. We were living comfortably. I was living the life that I know best. Next thing we know, we’re driving home from the hospital with our infant son and our first baby is suddenly a big girl.

Sitting at home with my son in my arms and my daughter on my lap I realized that I’m suddenly the mother of two children. The realization hit me that my daughter is no longer a baby; she has big hands and big feet, she speaks in complete sentences and she eats all her meals at the table with us. Where did those three years go? At the same time that I’m rejoicing over the arrival of my son I find myself mourning what feels like the loss of my first baby. At the same time that I’m mourning this theoretical loss I’m celebrating the many advancements and triumphs of my first baby and I find myself eager to see what the next three years brings for her life. What a mixed bag of emotions!

Over the course of my six-week Maternity Leave from work I found myself trying to make sense of these emotions and pondering over the many different paths I can now take in my life. I got in touch with what’s ultimately important to me. I felt overwhelmed and anxious. I felt like I needed to make big changes in my life but didn’t know if I had the gumption, support and knowledge to do so. I quickly became my own worst critic. I decided to pull myself together and prepare for that same life that I knew best, that of a working mom. This time, however, I was clouded by guilt and internal turmoil. Ultimately, I decided that this was not the time in our life for me to make big personal changes. I kept reminding myself that Chris only has two years left in school and then it’ll be my turn; this temporarily subsided my feelings of guilt and internal turmoil.

At the end of the day, I was glad that my mind was made up. I was glad that my husband and I were on the same page. I was glad that I had time to plan for “my turn” which was to come in two years. Two days before I was due to return to work I woke up feeling relieved and re-energized. I fixed my cup of tea and the phone rang. I was informed that I had been laid off from my job.

I was instantly free. Then I realized that I had to break the news to my not so flexible and comfortable with change spouse. It didn’t matter really because I was free. Surely he’d understand my relief. The decision had been made for me. Due to the current economic situation I knew that the chance of me finding another adequate job was slim to none. After a quick and initial run-down of our living expenses we came to the conclusion that this new stay-at-home life-style wasn’t going to be easy. We’re going to put a dent in everything that we’ve worked so hard to build. Together, though, we were excited about this new path. It’s a challenge! The best gift was the unexpected and unconditional support I found from my partner.

I instantly got to work on my new job. I created lesson plans for our pre-schooler and I re-organized our lives. I joined local Mommy groups and made new friends. I re-discovered a plethora of local resources. I learned the art of coupon clipping and budget grocery shopping and menu planning. I started to pull on some of my childhood memories from visiting my paternal grandmother who has not worked outside the home. I recalled the laid-back and attentive nature of our time together. I yearned to incorporate a similar atmosphere for my children. I find myself willingly hopping out of bed six times a night to cuddle my irritable newborn and savoring the rare moments when my big girl wants her Mommy’s help.

I’ve been staying home for six months now. I can honestly say that I’m having the time of my life. I can also attest to all the buzz about how this is one of the most difficult and rewarding jobs, regardless of how cliché it sounds. I think that my children are two of the most fascinating people and I’m fortunate enough to be able to spend every day in their presence. I don’t miss my career. I don’t even think about it. There is time enough for that in the future. My kids are only this small once. Our family was lacking this essential balance in our lives. Sanity has been restored. I’d be lying if I said our world is full of sacrifices. I don’t feel like I’m living without anything. I actually feel selfish at times because I know my children won’t consciously remember this time together during their young years, but I will. I look forward to an empty nest one day and recalling the many glorious memories they’ve unknowingly given me. I realize that they’re shaping my character just as much as I’m shaping their characters.

The only regret I have is that the decision to stay home was made for me. I wish I had the sense enough to come to this conclusion on my own. I’m thankful for the different roles of the influential women in my life. Rather than succumbing to internal turmoil and feelings of anxiety I’m now relishing in every moment that I spend with my children. I’m certain that I wouldn’t appreciate this time with them as much as I do if I had not first experienced the working mom side of this rusty coin.

Despite my story and the outcome so far, I understand that staying home is not suited for all mothers. I’ve witnessed SAHMs in public and thought to myself how their children would probably be better off in some one else’s care. I’ve met SAHMs who are anxious to get back to work and therefore they’re not entirely present for their children. I’ve met working moms who are convinced that they’d fail as a SAHM, but I know better. Finally, I’ve met working moms turned SAHMs overnight who, just like myself, are shocked to learn how well suited they are in their new role. I think we mothers can have it all – the family and the career - just not at the same time. My career will be there waiting for me when I’m ready.